It has been just over four years since I started this blog. Just over four years ago, I came here to document EVERY thought, feeling and moment I had with our precious fourth born boy. Each year since I come back here and relive it as I read through the raw heartache, not because I am obsessed or morbid, but because I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget how far I've come and I don't want to forget one single moment parenting Asher the only way I know how.
Four years ago I longed for a book called "What to expect when you are expecting a baby who is expected to die". There isn't one. It was uncharted territory for me and I danced the grief dance for months before even meeting Asher. Grief wasn't unfamiliar to me, but my grief with Asher was very different from my grief with Isaac.
As the snow begins to fall and the Christmas tree goes up I am reminded of the journey we began four years ago as we did these same things in hopes of a miracle. In hopes that Asher would prove all of the doctors wrong, that he would live and that we would get to see him grow. There are still times that the grief and anger surface, but mostly I have peace. Each day I wake up and my heart aches for my boys in Heaven. Sometimes it hurts so much I can barely breathe and then God gently reminds me that His grace truly is enough...that I don't get to understand all of the whys...I have to accept the path He has given and keep on walking.
Lately I've been feeling the heartache more as we are in the season of excitement and family pictures and two pieces of my heart are missing. All I can do is pray for a heart like Mary's. I am so thankful for the Magnificat. It brings me such comfort and peace and shows me I am not alone in this and reminds me of the Truth I know but sometimes lose sight of in my own grief.
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,my spirit rejoices in God my Savior for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:the Almighty has done great things for me,and holy is his Name.
He has mercy on those who fear him in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,he has scattered the proud in their conceit.
He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has come to the help of his servant Israel for he remembered his promise of mercy,the promise he made to our fathers,to Abraham and his children for ever.
Praying this morning for a heart more like Mary's, a heart that gives thanks for even the heartache and praises Him for ALL He is and all He gives...and thankful for each and every one of His promises. As Sally Lloyd-Jones says it best in the Storybook Bible, "One day He will make all sad things come untrue." MAN I look forward to that day.